Russel Brand gets me in the divorce.

They are remaking The Princess Bride?!?! I can't even be witty about this. Just.... WHY?

Hello Venus!

Knock knock knock. Oh look! I got a package! I wonder what it could be! Oh wow! A big box of manufactured drama! What a lucky girl I am!

Such a good weekend!Yay for friends! Yay for friends who drive a long way to see me! and yay for The Muppets Movie (which is excellent btw! Jim would be proud)!

RIP Harry Morgan. I will miss you Colonel Potter.

randomness of the brain

Tis the season for... seasonal depression. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Actually I haven't had much trouble with my depression as of late. So when it came up on me, it did it super stealthy. Ninja depression. It's not nearly as bad as it has been in the past. This is due to a couple of factors. One, no one out emotions my mom. and two, I have a much tighter grip on my depression. But oh boy, you couldn't have told me that last night when it reared it's ugly head. It sucker punched me and left me crying on the floor for the evening. Joy.

However once the tide receded I was able to see the light and make it to the surface not too worse for ware. No drowning in depression for me, thank you very much. But goodness, no more kicks in the teeth Universe, please!

I will do a really bad segway here and transition to something else that has been on my mind. Friends who suck. In the past this was one of my triggers. Not so much any more. A few years back I began weeding out the people who were not good for me. It hurt, but it hurt far less than the flagrant disregard that I was being shown. It looks as if I will have to be doing a bit more pruning. It is easier now. I have established what I want from a friendship and what I will not tolerate. Mainly I will no longer allow it to be a one way street. I have befriended users most of my life. No longer. The users must go!

Unfortunately.. or perhaps fortunately this includes someone I never thought I would have to weed out. Closer to 20 years of friendship than 10.But when time and time again I am insulted and treated like a last resort, the person that you call to bitch to when no one else will answer because they are sick to death of listening to your whining, it's time for me to reevaluate the situation. No, I will not be the person you talk to when you have no other options. No, I don't understand why you don't have the ability to ask me how I am. No, I am not content with being turned down every time I ask to get together. No, I am not content to listen to how broke you are and then read about your drunken escapades on facebook. No, I am not alright with you not even wishing my kid a happy birthday. I am just sick of it.

And I am done. Done with your bullshit. Done with you. Let's see if you even notice.

The rest of you I still love! But she can sit and spin.

Not being able to have sex due to a back injury is just the perfect ending to an absolute shit day.

Narcissism

What? You aren't serious!!!

Join my Fire Brigade!!!

Hello! I'm Trxz and I am recruiting!

Do you like the feel of warm flames sweeping gently (or not so gently) over your flesh? Or do you prefer the feel of the flame in your hand and flesh turned to bliss beneath it? Or maybe it's just the sight of the two combining that does it for you. All are welcome in my fire house! So come! Join the Brigade!

Belated Season's Beatings report!

A few weeks ago I went to AIS' Season's Beatings play party. I had such a fantastic time and a minor miracle occured. I brought enough alcohol to play with the 1 person I had made firey plans with. But my alcohol lasted for 3 and a half people. After that I had people beg, borrowing or stealing alcohol for me to light their fire. Even so I was not able to fit everyone in, however I do have quite a few play dates lined up for WW. I am also going to bring an extra bottle to gift to everyone who graciously gifts to my Fire Brigade.


Me at the beginning of the night!

I had a simply marvelous time. I hadn't been able to make it out for a while and I surely needed the break. Some good quality time with kinky folks was just what the dr ordered!


At 3:30 when I rolled in.

On my way out a good friend of mine reaffirmed my nickname as their "Chew toy".


I have the best friends!

Does a spork go on the left or the right?

Gd it! Spoke too soon! Ah well.

The most annoying aspect of my life has just been removed! Wohoo! I will miss the money but wohoo!!! No more bs!!!

Gobble gobble!

Happy turkey day!!!!

My little girl turns 11 today. I feel happy, sad, and incredably old all at once. Im going to watch Fiddler and cry.

Sub report

It has been a long while since I have done one of these. Mainly due to the fact that I have nothing to report.

Many of you are familiar with My collared sub who went off to war. I am thrilled to say say he returned safe and for the most part sound. For that I am grateful. However once he returned it became clear that this relationship would not work. He has some healing to do both physically and mentally from the experience. I would and did of course support him in this as best I could. Unfortunately distance, scheduling and other factors combined to make it abundantly clear that for all his good intention to serve it would not be happening.

I am not the type of person who is content to call some Mine but have no access to them. That is not a relationship which can grow which leaves only stagnation. I am not a fan of stagnation. So it is with heavy heart that I announce that I have retired My former sub from service. I wish him happiness in his life and I hope he finds the balance he seeks. I have put away his collar and will no longer care for it's upkeep.

I had a few sub applicants which all turned out to be time wasting assholes. I am glad that they showed their true colors before anything wet any further.

I had a slave applicant who got all they way to the point of signing his contract before fear crippled him.

Currently I have one submissive who must pay for that privlidge as he fulls none of my criteria. This is a virtual relationship. Who can guess how I feel about virtual D/s. However I Mistress to him and for that he is grateful.

So I am feeling slightly unfulfilled on the D/s front. But I am not discouraged. I have the luxury of having a wonderful man at home who serves me better than any one I have ever met. So I will wait until I find the perfect fit for Me. I will not take pity on those who I know I could help. I will accept nothing less than precisely what I want. And believe that I will find what I seek!

In the meantime....

TOYS!!!

I love toys. I really really do. I am far too much of a child at heart to not appreciate the subtle happiness that creeps into my heart when I give huggles to a stuffed animal. It warms me inside.

When I was still living with my parents I had a lot of toys. Most of them motley or in some way abnormal. Long before there was a Toy Story I believed that toys had some sort of sentience. At the very least they have an energy. From childhood I always felt sorry for the odd toy out. The toy with a lopsided eye, or the stitching in the wrong place. Those ones I would actually cry over their fates. Noone would take them home. No one would love them. So I loved them.

As I grew up and became a mother myself I gifted a few toys to my daughter and I released the others into the universe to find new loving homes. A few I could not get rid of.

Kermy!!!

This was my first toy ever. My dad put Kermit in my hopsital basanet the day I was born. A few years back I thought he might have been given away to charity but my husband found him in the attic! I was so happy! I love this toy more than any I have ever owned. It was my first toy, and it was my daughter's. Maybe some day it will be her daughter's.

Kissing bears

These two were not part of my childhood but they are very special to me. My husband gave them to me for our first Valentine's Day together. They are cheesy, yes, but they make me smile every single time I see their little magnetic snouts touch.

Papa Smurf!


So this one isn't exactly from my childhood. It actually came to me during my teenage years. I was crusing through a KayBee Toys (should tell you how long ago that was, right there) and in the back of the store is the clearance bin. There sat Papa. He was marked WAAAAY down to $4. Why would a perfectly good Papa Smurf be marked down so low? I checked the stitching, everything was fine. I decided his voice box must not work. I squeezed his tummy. Nothing. I squeezed his hand. nada. Maybe he was missing his voice box? But then my twisted little teenage brain said, squeeze his crotch. So I did. And booooy did he start singing! Whistled the smurf theme. His voice box had dropped squarely between his legs. I personally would have paid more for a Papa Smurf you had to molest to get to sing for you!


Now as I sat there strolling down memory lane with my toys my mind wandered. I bet Papa Smurf is kinky! His voice box didn't slip! That is just where you need to grab him, firmly and right between the legs, to make him happy! What else was Papa having to hide from his children? Maybe Papa would like some time off. Some Papa time!

So we did a scene! If you don't want to see pictures of Papa Smurf in compromising positions, go no further!


Papa's a bit of a bondage slut, as we found out.


And Papa is a big time bottom! And as a reminder, when you do play, play safe. You will notice that I used a swiffer condom.

Sugar COMA!!!

Halloween has come and sadly gone. :( But it was fun while it lasted. Every year after Trick Or Treat I allow my daughter 10 minutes to rip into her candy and eat as much as she can. So if you have ever wondered how much candy a 10 year old can consume in 10 minutes, I give you the answer!

My favorite part of the Arkham video games is when I get to sit on a bad guy's face and punch him in the nuts. Why isn't real life like a game? Sigh.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na! BATMAN! Happy Arkham Day everyone!

This just in: sooooooooo drunk!

Reason 3947593 why my husband is the best man in the world

My kid is having a Halloween Slumber Party in a couple of weeks. I capitalize it because for a 10 year old little girl, it’s THAT important. And trying to be a decent mother, I make it a priority in my life. This weekend we decorated the house and began rearranging the living room to accommodate a little girl stampede. We made the entertainment center over to an appropriate spookyness. We’re picking out creepy pictures to put in all the picture frames. You might say we’re trying to keep up with the Adams’ in our own humble way.

In years past we would decorate the front porch with spider webs. However clean up on that brutal. The spiderwebs looked great, but try picking the cotton out of brick work after a good rain or two. Plus all the real bugs that get caught in it. By the end of October the white spiderwebs are grey and full of ladybugs. I’ve read far too many teachings of Buddah to feel completely ok with lining my front porch with ladybug quicksand. What a terrible way to die. So I started tying twine spiderwebs on the pillars of my front porch. Not quite the same effect but still spooky in it’s way. This year I used the skene of glow in the dark rope I got with the intention of making a lovely glowy rope flogger.

What in the hell does this have to do with my husband? I’m getting there.

Whilst tying this, more intricate than it looks, knot I inadvertently stood amidst a swarm of biting midges. Every so often I would feel a sharp stick and slap my arm expecting to have a mama misquito squished (ok, no soo bhudist) only to find a teeny tiny black dot, now dead. From the prick I estimate that the creatures mouth was approximately 9/10th’s it’s body size. Suprisingly the bites did not itch.

At least not that day.

Cut to 2 days later and I look like I have the mumps. Red swollen mounds all over. Ye gods did they itch! And in some of the most inconvenient places possible. Back of the knees, back of the thigh, neck, elbows (inside and out), top of the foot. I was going out of my mind because they all started itching at the same time.

Without being asked, without me even doing more than just itching my bites a few times, my husband puts away his comic, gets out the bite itch relief stuffs and a pair of tweezers. He applied the bite stuffs onto each bite and then used the tweezers to squeeze out the midge spit or whatever was causing me to itch so badly. The process took over 2 hours to complete.

And that, Charlie Brown, is the meaning of Love. It may be unglamorous. Hell, even a bit gross. But I have no doubt that that man loves me. To do something so tedious without once giving any kind of sign that what you are doing isn’t exactly what you want to be doing. Beyodn that to find joy in the fact that you are helping your partner. That is love.

And it is also reason 3947593 why my husband is the best man in the world.

It's Oct! Which means Horror Movie Month! Up tonight is The Ring. Haven't seen it yet. Too freaked out about a movie about a movie that kills you. Wish me luck!

Had you asked me yesterday what I would be doing this AM I guarantee you that having a 20 minute conversation about the Spice Girls wouldnt've make the list.

The Whitest Kids U' Know

You may know them, I did not. Not even 100% why they turned up on my netflix list but there they were waiting in the red envelope. So I checked them out. Aside from the poop jokes (sooo not my thing) they were pretty funny. In need of an outside editor perhaps but several skits made me laugh out loud. So wrong which makes them so right to me.

For everyone who is not hip: Enjoy.


I feel like doing this every time I log onto facebook and see my niece's nearly illegible internet-ese.


You know, I wondered if it was something like this.


The truth at last!


pretty much the same as the new history books being printed in Texas


hysterical when you think it was filmed during the Bush administration. Scary today though.


and why not end with a little bit of a pee joke.

Best birthday ever..

How I spent the day of my actual birthday. What more could a person ask for?

What was the name of that ride?

This was a ride at my local Oktoberfest. I sat there with my mouth hanging open. Surely not! But yes! Yes, it was called Scat. Was the Fecalator already doing the circuit? And there is something terribly wrong with having children running around yelling "I LOVE SCAT!" ::shudder::

New coloquialism for oral sex: Masculine form- Hairy Nuts Salad. Feminine form- Hairy Muff Sandwich. Go forth and tell the world!

QOTD: him "are you doing a When Harry Met Sally?" me: "Did you ask if I want a hairy nuts salad?"

I just got home from my father's company picnic. I was not enthused to be going (ya! Hundreds of strangers!) but I am pleased to say that I had an excellent time. My kid rode a mechanical bull for the first (2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc) time. A feat I have never done but always wanted to. I am self aware enough to know I would end up breaking something so I confine my riding to cocks and cars. But it's something I've always wanted todo. I was glad my kid got to. It was also way out of her comfort zone so I am also mega proud. She also conquered(or nearly at least) the rock wall. She was afraid but she tried. And when she didn't get far the first time and sat, shaking on the ground she asked me if she could go again. She never quite made the top but she tried hard and pushed herself harder than I ever would have. Proud mama!

I played a few hours of bingo which wasn't nearly as terrible as it sounds. Even won a couple of $50 prizes!

My enjoyment of the day was capped off by the boy who flirted unabashedly with me. In reality he must have been an adult or at least 18 to be working the event but he looked waaaay young to me. Baby faced and quite frankly adorable. This is the guy in high school who ALL of your friends were interested in. You know the one who looked like he simotaniously climbed off a surf board and out of an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. And boy did he flirt! Started out by telling me there was no way I could have a daughter my kid's age! Cheesy as all get out but silly smooth delivery. My kid and I wander off but every time we wandered back h engaged me. Gave me not only 1 free prize, he gave me a box full! And told me that he didn't care if he lost his job over it. It was worth it just to see me smile. Delivered like a pro! His only regret was that he couldnt see my eyes (I was wearing sunglasses)! So he was just adorable. Yes it was just carney banter, he'll I've worked enough festivals to know flirting spices up the day,and yes it was toward the end of th event and he may have just been looking to unload his extra prizes.... But then again maybe I AM just that fantastic. I think I choose option B!

Hope your weekend is as suprisingly awesome as mine!

Isn't my pussy cute?

Happy birthday to me!

I am 31 today! I would like to thank my parents for making me possible. I also want to thank my dearest friend for sending me THE sweetest birthday box of treats! I love you babycakes!

I heart my hat!!!

So once upon a time when we were in Disney World I foudn the hat that makes me SO happy. Unfortunately I did not get it, thinking I would be able to find it at another shop somewhere on one of the 4 parks grounds. No such luck. So I checked Downtown Disney. No luck. Checked online. Nope. Called to special order it from Disney itself. NOPE!

And I cried.

Flash forward to this week when I walk into the Halloween store and what do I see? THE HAT!!! THE exact hat!!!! My husband bought it for me for my birthday and I have been a happy girl ever since!!!

I throw the best birthday parties!!!

Normally I allow my birthday to pass without a to-do. In years past I was usually in New York relatively close to my birthday so I celebrated with my 2 favorite people in the world, pupslave keith and Master Christopher. But they moved across the country to a land far far away meaning no drink fest! Boo!! However I put my big girl panties on and threw myself a birthday party this past weekend. Regular old party? No thank you! I threw myself a PEDI PARTY!!!

I invited several of my nearest and dearest to come over and have a pedicure, massage and some wine.

It.

Was.

FANTASTIC!!!!

The pedi boys worked tirelessly giving foot rubs, soaks, scrubs and paint jobs.

The ladies worked tirelessly receiving all the goodness.

Even though the boy I had lined up for massages proved himself unreliable by no call no showing, Keira stepped up to the plate and gave some of the ladies a rub down! Thank you so much darlin!

I did a little fire which was just the topper for the evening!

So even though we ended up being far more squishy than anticipated,I believe everyone had a great time. YAY!!!! Thank you so much to everyone!!!Best birthday party EVER!!!!

Due to incredably limited space I could only invite a few ladies. However, if you weren't able to make it fear not! I shall have more as it was generally agreed that I should have a birthday party every month! So there will be more on the horizon And my traveling pedi circus does travel! So stay tuned! More info will follow!

COPE report

I have so much to catch you up on my chickadees! My life has been fit to burst here lately! But all in good time. The Libra in me will throw a fit if I don't go chronologically so we will start with a weekend past when I attended that fantastic event, the Central Ohio Perversion Excursion, known affectionately as COPE. As ever I offer two versions of the weekend. The short story and The long story. Choose your own adventure.


Short Story
I had a wonderful time! this was one of THE best conventions I have ever attended, be it geek/church/activism or kink. Yes, it was that good! The energy was marvelous. The theme,Super heroes/villains, was inspired it was just plain fun! I came, I played, I conquered!

The Long Story


Friday
Setup couldn't have gone more smoothly of you dipped the staff and volunteers in ID Lube! Hard work when combined with good friends becomes easy work and quite enjoyable.

I once again helmed the Meet-n-Greet game which seemed to go down a storm. We played 'What am I?' with kinky terms, roles, toys, and types of play. But I Incorporated super heroes and villains so amongst the dildos and puppy play there was also Thor and Batman! Which made me, you know, a little moist! But after an hour of laughter I had to call it. Closest contest we've had so far!

After that I helped my beautiful friend and bedmate, Peach, get into her costume. She said she wanted to go as a Girly and cute superhero. That says Power Puff Girl to me. So I sewed her up a cute little outfit. Unfortunately I didn't get a pic of her in it :( but here is the dress



As a suprise I made a cape for a friend of mine. She wanted a Super Switch cape but life got in the way of our plans. But I made it on the sly and she was quite excited. :) Extra points because it matched the outfit she was wearing Friday night!

I then headed to see The Man (Aka Barak) to dress him in his costume (which I also made). For those of you who haven't attended an AIS event (for shame!) Barak and Sheba, our fearless leaders, begin the festivities with a grand entrance. One time she was a kinky cop and he was on he chin gang (of love). one time she was a devil and he was a... Cough....angel. This time they went as The Bride from Kill Bill and he was Pei Mei. They looked great! I didn't make her jumpsuit only his costume but unfortunately I didn't snap a pic of either! Poo! But they looked great.

Our keynote was delivered by Raven Kaldera and was utterly beautiful! I will post a link to it as he was gracious enough to post a copy.

And then festivities started! I actually headed back to my room to gt into costume. I took a slightly different spin from the norm and opted to go as my own character from my Batman Fan fic. I went as Trxz, an up and coming Villain from Gotham whose only desire is to get into some rough body play with Batman! I incorporated my love of fire into
my costume and the results made me very happy!




Then I jumped headlong into play! Fire was the order of the night and I had a wonderful time lighting many a sexy woman. I even had the privilege of taking my dear Peach's fire cherry! I also got to play ( FINALLY) with our kinky cruise director! Yay! We've only been trying to hook up for over a year! I also spread the gospel of The Bongers! greatest toy ever!

A very good night!

Sat
I only got to attend 2 classes but both were excellent.

The first was "So you qualify for an upgrade?" presented by Bootpig. It focused on the ways you can go the extra mile (or inch) to take service to the next level. To upgrade. Though the class focused mostly on how a sub/slave can do upgrades Bootpig did a wonderful job of incorporating us Dominants in the class. Soliciting ideas and thoughts. I liked this class and presenter so much that I will be assigning my subs and slave to read her articles online.

The second class was "playing without a forklift" by Uncle P. Having never played with a forklift I had to check out the class descritpion. Turns out it was all about playing with minimal toys. The forklift being needed for hauling around your toybag. Right up my alley. The class was great! Uncle P@s energy was amazing! I may be a big biased in this as I was front and center and got a bit of interaction with him. In fact he slipped into some fear play with me and I am proud to say I came through not only fine but quite happy! Perhaps even eager for more!

I did not get to see The Knotty Boys or any of our other amazing presenters. There just aren't enough hours in the day!

Soon...too soon... It was dinner time. Which means it was timefor the Queer Meet-N-Greet! The fantabulous Sugar_and_spite helped facilitate and I would be utterly lost without her! She brings this ridiculously cool energy and really helps make the Qm-n-g into what it is! Unfortunately staff responsibilities pulled me out half way through but I left the party in full swing.

Closing ceremony was fantastic. We raised about $5k for NCSF. if you are kinky and you don't know what NCSF, please educate yourself! Dan raised $500 for a wonderful charity whose acronym I cant remember at the moment.

The second night I went as my pimp alter ego 'Madame Mama'. It went down a storm and everyone wanted to feel my Teddy bear skin coat.


Play wise I did something rather dumb. I bottomed before I topped. Ended up taking me quite a while to screw my big T Top head back on afterward as it my brain had completely left my body and was floating about on a cloud of bliss! My friend Kevin lit me up with GIANT fire wands which felt amazing. He the did some impact strikes with the flaming wands. I was in heaven. The only way it could have gotten better was if he would have punched the shit out of my back. Guess what he did next?!! My goal when I play is to reduce my partner to a puddle of happy goo. This time it was I who was the goo!

Once I got my Top head attached to my neck I played with a few more incredible women. I finally connected with a playmate I've been trying to set on fire for a year and a half. I got to repay another friend for an amazing sensual massage and I got to make new friends! Yay!

All too soo. It was over and Abba was telling me to get the fuck out!

Sunday
Breakdown went easy enough though I did manage to lock my keys in the car. Thank good was for friends with AAA! after that Peach and I paled around before hitting the staff dinner which was....well...amazing! There is nothing quite like gorging with friends in the afterglow of a great event!

My weekend rocked!

Nothing better than starting the morning out with the car not starting. Guess my plans have changed for the day. Wish me luck!

Stupidity thy name is Stupid Bitch Pumping Gas with Her Car Running, on the Phone with a Cigarette Hanging out her Mouth.

I am going to bed. Then maybe this hellacious day will end. Nothing better than dropping on a day that nothing works. Good night.

C.O.P.E.

I'm off to see the perverts! The wonderful perverts of COPE!

Big weekend

Wow! I can not believe how busy I was this weekend! Wow!

Sat I went to the Tiffin Flea Market. As Flea Markets go this is the one to hit. It takes up the entire county fair ground. Hundreds of vendors in one place. Yes, please! I always find a few wonderous things. Know my fire kit? Got that there! This year I picked up a few treasures.

Sunday I met an applicant for a foot slave. He treated me out to lunch and then came back to my place for training. 2 hours later he had a working knowledge of how to give a pedicure Lana-style. Not bad at all though his confidence needs some work. But that is being accomplished by pedi-homework. I made him paint my toenails twice for practice and am still wearing the second paintjob. Not bad at all.
First paint job
Final paint job


Monday I took the family (sans Jason who sadly had to work) down to the Renaissance festival. My lady love joined us for her maiden trip to the fest. A good time was had by all. Sadly I didn't get to see either of the shows that I wanted to (Mud Show and the Fairie Tales) but I still had a lovely time. Saw the Pirates how and an amazing new bell show that was...well....amazing. Our knight won the joust and looked damn good doing it.






By the end of the weekend I fell into bed and slept till 11 Tuesday. Then got up and finished my last costume for COPE! WOHOO!!

Now I get to look ahead to COPE this weekend!

So I couldn't figure out how to embed the video into the blog so you will just have to settle for a link. So click here to see the article from The Huffington Post about a Cop in full uniform on duty fucking a woman on the hood of her car. I know it's wrong. I know he did bad. But I just CAN'T help thinking of how hot I find this. Ok. I admit it. The girl is me. And I REGRET NOTHING!!!!

I heart Thrift Stores!

The last Thursday of the month is half off day at the huge thrift store. I had heard of this before but had never waded in. Well this time I did. HOLY SHIT! I have NEVER seen so many people in a store outside of Black Friday. It was packed to the point you could barely walk down the aisles. However that didn't dissuade me. I persevered and came up with some EXCELLENT finds!

If I were Oprah this would be my new favorite thing. It is a "Portable Pub". Black leather exterior. Red leather interior. Still with the original tags! The original tags from 1954!!!! So now the real question... who wants a drink?

I just got a 39 hit combo on Arkham! Suck on my bat-dick evil-doers!

Preview of my Super Villian costume for COPE. Yep, that's all you get!

I started Yoga today. It's been 3 months! Eek! So tight. And not in the good way!

I love what I find at thrift stores!!!

Mistress at the Movies: Green Lantern

So I know it isn't exactly new but I did just see Green Lantern at the second run theater.

I am not a huge DC fanatic. Other than Batman, that is. Superman makes me want to vomit. Wonderwoman is great but has a tendency to be a less cool, less entertaining version of Superman. The Flash....ugh. But I have dug the Green Lantern since I was forced to watch couple of animated flicks. It's an interesting concept for a super hero. I love when stories move beyond the established city and out into the world. And The Green Lantern goes beyond the world into worlds and the entire cosmos. Badass.

The movie looked...well.... bad, IMHO. About the only movies that I will shell out first run prices involve a certain Wizard or a comic book hero. However this one did not inspire me to hit the first run. However as soon as it hit second run we were there with bells on.

I think I might have preferred to go see The Hangover 2.

It wasn't terrible. However it was not good either. Sure Ryan Rynolds gets near naked a fair few times. But he is no Chris Hemsworth. The costume seemed... weird for weirdness sake. Too hokey for me to really swallow. And the story progressed so fast that by the end of it they left the plot wholly unbelievable.

"We can't save the world! We shouldn't even try!"

"Let's try!"

"OK!"

"Shoot! Can't! give it up for dead."

"I'll do it!"

"I did it!"

and the peasants rejoice.

that is my synopsis of this movie. It felt like the Cliffs Notes version of a movie. And by the end you were left sitting there going "Really?"

The CGI was cool. Beautiful and full of depth. But that can only get you so far (Imaginarium of Dr. Parnasis, I am looking at you). The script was LACKING!!!!!! Seriously, I looked for Michael Bay's name.

Overall it made me sad. Because I want DC to step up and do a cohesive theme with movies the way Marvel is doing with the Avengers. Make a kick ass movie for each character, tie them all together andthen hire Joss Whedon to make you a geektastic mental orgasm fest of a collective movie. Why can't DC do that with the Justice League? Let the current Bat die a quiet death. Make a Superman flick (hell I don't care what you make. I'm sure he will be flying and holding onto Lois by the end. Barf). Make a good Wonderwoman movie. NOT LIKE THE CRAP tv show where she';s running around in jeggings and a Target corset. Redo Bats. AND REDO GREEN LANTERN!! THEN... JUSTICE LEAGUE!!!!

Ok rant over. Green Lantern.... catch it on video (once it goes off the new release wall that is).

I'm a regular Jason Statham

Workin on cars today. Oil change on one. New tires on the other. I haven't actually driven my Caddy for alomst a year. Opeend up the door to find a wasps nest in the door jam!! EEK!!!!

My kid is off for her first day of 5th grade. In related news: I feel old.

Kind of says it all

Arkham City

Lana is wet.

Random bedroom fun

I just saw the preview for Batman Arkham City. Holy.... Fuck.... Batman!!! Im SOOOO wet right now!

Foot Slaves Wanted!

So unfortunately the Pedi Party/Welcome Home Party for my boi isn't happening. At least not for a bit while he continues to settle in. Sad face.

However! The more I think about it the more I really want to have one. So...



I am seeking a couple of people who are interested in serving at a Pedicure Party! What is a Pedicure Party I hear you ask? Well basically I invite a half dozen of my good friends over to enjoy themselves for the afternoon or evening and have a nice foot soak and scrub, followed by a foot massage. Then a pretty paint job for the toeseys. All while enjoying relaxing and fun conversation.

I am seeking 2-5 people interested in providing the actual pedicures. Foot fetishists welcome and encouraged. Ideal candidates enjoy spending time on their knees and are willing/eager to:

wash mostly women's feet (though there may be the occasional male attending as a guest)

scrub feet with pumice stone

Massage and lotion/oil feet

Paint toe nails

Serve in other capacities to get drinks (cabana boy style)

Possible kisses/worship Of feet on a case by case basis. But this should not be expected.

Willingness to act as a whipping boy (in case a guest wants to swing a flogger or paddle) a plus but is not required.

Willingness to do all above naked a major plus but not necessary.

All applicants must understand this is not a sly cover for a sex invite. There will be NO SEX OF ANY KIND! Let me repeat NO SEX OF ANY KIND! Seriously, the motivation to do this must be based in desire to touch feet and/or be of service. Once again: NO SEX!!!!

NO ONE OVERTLY CREEPY WILL BE CONSIDERED!

Oh and as I am a BBW, BBW lovers will be given extra consideration.

Training provided.

Interested? Inquire within.

I just made an Amazon Wishlist. What fun!

Facebook is not one of the "F" words I like!

In case you missed it one of the millions of times I have posted it: I HATE FACEBOOK! HATE! The fact of the matter is that if I know you and like you, you probably have my number/email/addy. If you don't, I probably don't want to talk to you. I only got a Facebook account because I was tired of getting those invitations. And I swear every time I log on it makes me hate it more. Nothing better than seeing the people you know and love are not too busy to drink their face off. Just, you know, not with you. Nothing better than logging on to see my 12 year old niece cursing her mouth off and talking all about her sex life. Seriously! Nothing better!

Social Networking was an excellent movie, but it didn't make me like facebook. In fact it may have turned me off to it even more.

Wtf?

Sent from my mobile. Enjoy.
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It appears that I have broken out with an accute case of 'perm'! What the hell? So that is where the perm I got when I was 12 went!

A wonderful suprise!

Today the mailman brought me a special treat. A box containing 2 lovely books I have not read before. But who were they from? No name on the box and no name on the invoice! All that praying to the Book Fairy must have finally paid off!!! Either that or a cute gal from the eastern seaboard sent me a wonderful present! So for the record Coral Mallow=SQUISH!!!!!!!!

Seriously! I am fucking thrilled! Books are some of my favorite things in the whole wide world! I love them! I hoard them! I give them away! I just love books! The idea of a pretty lady sending me unexpected books? HOT!

So take this as a lesson world! Fuck giving me flowers! Find me a good book and I will be a happy camper!

Much love Coral!!! Thank you!!!!

Interesting dream

So I had an interesting dream last night. Ever had a dream where you fetishize/sexualize someone you have never thought of as a sex object? I had one of those last night.

So in the dream I am at a convention. Not a kink convention unfortunately. And not any convention I have attended. Nor was it set at my dream-state generic convention center. This was a VERY detailed dream at a really nice resort. Hell in the dream I even looked around at the place saying, wow! So anyway there I am at a convention for goodness knows what chillin out doing what you do at conventions: meeting people! And I am having a hell of a time doing it! Sitting poolside with a drink that just kept getting refilled and looking pretty damn good. So I am generally enjoying my dream convention.

There are all sorts of celebrities walking around. Was that George Lucas? Was that Joss Whedon? I KNOW that is Mark Hamil!

Anyway, who comes walking up but the creators and writers of Robot Chicken, Seth Green, Matthew Senreich, Breckin Meyer, Mike Fasolo, and maybe a few others. Before I even get a chance to say "you fuckers make me laugh!" they tell me they are fans of MY WORK!!! WTF? But in the dream it seems natural. They must be referring to my books! Great! I tell them what fans I am of their silliness as well. We get to talking (over limitless drinks) and they tell me they are interested in possibly having me come do some writing work on Robot Chicken. I, of course, am geeked! They think it will be a good fit for me, but they would like to get to know me a bit more (read: hang out shit faced) to make sure that I will mesh with their family. Not a problem! Bring it on boys! They give me a room key to their suite where about 20 people are flopping.

This is where it gets a little fuzzy. I know at one point I rode an inflatable boat off a 10th story balcony into the swimming pool possibly with someone riding shotgun. Anyway We're hanging out. We're vibing. We're having a good time.

Somehow I find myself back in the suite. I have a vague recollection of wanting peanut butter but I can't be sure of that. In any case I am standing on the counter looking in the top cabinets. I feel someone come up behind me and hold my ankles to steady me. I don't turn around to see who it is, I am just happy someone will care if I fall on my ass. So I search the shelf to no avail. So I squat down so I can climb off the counter. As I slide down the hands on my ankles slide upward, up my calf's, up my thighs and eventually coming to rest full on my ass where they begin to kneed and caress it. Well I am all for anonymity but I decided to see who was putting the moves on me. My guess was the girl intern I'd been flirting with. So I turn around and who do I see?

Seth Green!

He raises an eyebrow, gives me a come hither look and slowly leans in to kiss me, his hands on my thighs.

And what do I do?

I laugh!!!!! right in his face!

It was really bizarre. I have never sexualized Seth Green so I was completely thrown off kilter when he laid his game down in my dream. And what I can not figure out is why I laughed!! It was hot! Seriously! I woke up a little wet. Had to hash it out with my girlfriend and we came to the conclusion that my subconscious is a cockblocker. Alas.

I told Jason about the dream. He decided it was a premonition of the future. After I have a book or two out I may just find myself at some geektastic convention with the folks of Robot Chicken. And if I do find myself in such a situation that I am under direct orders TO FUCK THE HELL OUT OF THAT LITTLE RED MAN!!!!!!

The moral of the story is this: I am sorry I turned you down Seth! Come back tonight and I will prove it!

Gd Motherf&\t/= $g/=+q*dh!!!!! Ahhhhh!!!! My washing machine broke!

I need a massage. No, seriously. STAT. ASAP. Other acronyms as well.

QOTD: "Now I know how King Arthur felt when Lancelot caressed his wife's genetalia."

For Christmas my kid got the best present ever when her uncles sent her an Ipod. Yes, they spoil her rotten. But when you see something that she has created like this, well I just can't complain. So for your enjoyment, Brainy smurf.... as a zombie.

this made me smile

That's my husband. That's my leg. Nuff said.

Wonderful weekend featuring Lee Harrington!!!

The title kind of says it all. I had a wonderful weekend. I am exausted and sore, and like McDonalds, I'm loving it.

This Sat I had the great opportunity to attend a rope intensive with Lee Harrington. If you have the chance to attend a class or read a book by Lee, do so. His style is effortless and he is a joy to learn from and engage. He approaches his class with a great mixture of humor and info. I learned a ton. Not that my rope knowledge was emmence before the intensive but now I feel much more confident in my ablilities to keep partners in my ropey thrawl. A truly great intensive. Many thanks to the beautiful (and Houdini like) Peach for being a WONDERFUL rope bottom to my rigging attempts. You made a cute ball babe!

After the intensive was a wonderful play party. I was a bit tired so I did not get to do all that I wanted to. But then again when do I get to play with everyone I want to? not often! But I got to give a birthday beating to Miss Honey which was fun. I gave Monkey a bit of a rub and he beat the hell out of my shoulders with his magic koga tools. And on top of that I got to spend a whole lot of time socializing with my kinky family. It was bliss.

Sunday I got to spend even more time with some near and dear to my heart. A truly wonderful weekend. I hope your was just as good!