A word on family Happy Thanksgiving!

I want to talk for a moment about family. I suppose this is relevant being as how in a few days time we are all supposed to take a day and give thanks for that which we are most grateful for. Mainly: your family. But what is a “family”? I think most of the populace is stuck in the Mad Men mentality of a family consisting of a husband, wife and 2.5 kids. Or at least what you should aspire for. And if you don’t measure up to this standard then somehow your family is less valid. You’ve fallen short. Now I am going to hit you with 3 scenarios that illustrate that.

I will start with me. Why? Because it’s my blog! Now I am one of those lucky statistics. I’m white with noble Viking heritage. My husband is also white. So is our one child. (Funny how that works.) Now we made a conscious choice to only have the one kid. We have a firm rule “If you can’t feed them, don’t breed them.” However ever since our daughter turned a year I have been harassed as to when I’m going to get knocked up again. When I say never I usually receive first a look of shock followed by a disappointed frown. At first I just thought it was people’s desire to see a baby. I mean, they are cute as fuck. But the older my kid has gotten the more pronounced the disappointment has become. To the point that I have been asked several times how I could “do that” to my child. As if allowing my daughter to grow up an only child was doing her not only a disservice but possibly I could also be harming her. To that I say a big fuck you. 2 fingers. I don’t know how people who have 2 or 3 kids to it. When you get up into 4 or 5 I begin hoping that you have a job security. 6 or higher begs the question, Are you Catholic or stupid? But these people are revered as heroes, put on TV and give tips about how the rest of us mortal can be better parents. Please. I know what those shows are even if no one wants to admit it. Side shows. But I digress. My point is that even though I hit all the checkpoints. Man + woman, check. White, check. Kid, check. I still don’t measure up because I only have the one.

Now going from the light end of the scale to the middle of the road I have a friend who is married with no kids. She is afforded even less respect for her family because there are no kids involved. Man and woman, check. Both white, check. Kids, oh… no. They made a choice not to have kids as it could seriously endanger her life should she try. Many family members don’t give their marriage the same respect that any other married couple in the family receives. She is regarded as a type of stand in until the day she conceives or her husband finds a baby mama. Her family validity is suspect and fails to measure up outright.

On the heavy side of the scale is another white couple. (To clarify the scale is heavy, not the couple. They are svelte Adonis’s.) 2 men. I don’t really have to say any more that that, do I? Their family isn’t valid practically anywhere. They have made the choice not to have a child by either hiring a bun oven or ordering away for one ready made. Yet, they receive pressure to adopt as if that will somehow validate their relationship. Personally I would be terrified to adopt if I were gay in this country. When even the basics like the recognition of their right to marry continues to be denied them. This absolutely fundamental civil right is carelessly stripped of them even when it is legislatively won (FUCK YOU MAINE!). If they can not even be legally married what kind of legal recourse do they have if they did want to adopt? If, all gods forbid, Sarah Palin gets elected p..p…p… No I can’t say it. But you know what I mean. Anyway if she does then I don’t find it that hard to imagine bills being debated on a federal level to take save the poor babies from their 2 mommies or daddies. I’m terrified and for all intents and purposes it doesn’t effect me. I see children being ripped from their parent’s arms and brought to temporary holding camps in armories or gymnasiums. Rows of cots and cribs and hundreds of screaming confused children terrified of the people who paid babysitters to watch their own kids so they could come down and catalog the gay people’s children and test them for homosexual tendencies. Meanwhile gay parents clutch cell phones and scream at lawyers while some are ripped from their homes and are subjected to what the newspapers will describe as a hate crime. I don’t mean to get morbid but I’m not sure if I am that far off the base. I did go off on a tangent though. My point remains the same. They receive no recognition on basically any level of their family.

I want to take a moment and point out that I do not equate myself or my situation with either of m friends. We each have different dynamics and my legally recognized marriage in no way compares to the uphill battle that my gay friends are facing to get their marriage legal recognition. I have never had to fight for my right to love someone and they are forced to do that every day. But my point is that no matter the legal status or child status or anything. Regardless of what anyone else might think, NOTHING changes the fact that each instance there is a family. Complete and whole with nothing wrong with it. Even if statistically speaking none of us are a “real” family.

At this time of year with Thanksgiving and the other swarm of religious holidays that follow there is significant pressure to conform to the “traditional family dynamic”. I think that there is no traditional family. Any attempt to define what a family is will ultimately be wrong. Each family is different from their neighbor. Blood is not family. Marriage does not make family. Children are not the missing ingredient for family. Only one thing makes a family. Love. If there is love there is family. I have many people in my family. Several of them are related to me. The vast majority I have spent a life time finding. I cherish each and every one of them and love them with all of my heart. I will take time this thanksgiving to think of them and know that even though we are parted we are never separate.

Everyone else can suck it.