It's been a while, I know. Whoever wants to spank Lana for her naughty neglect, the line forms to the right.
I have been busy and depressed in equal measures.
Busy wise I have been well...busy. Lots going on.
I am finally getting aroudn to fileing bancruptcy, which I have needed to do for a long long while now. It feels good to be doing it. It will feel even better once the forms are filed and we are on our way.
I am working a couple of craft fairs to try to bring in the christmas cash.
Mostly though I have been writing. Which is a wonderful turn of events. I have been rather blocked for quite a while now. So finally after much discussion with my wonderful husband I have been able to get the juices going. I was trying to internalize the whole of my stories and it took my husband pointing out to me that I do not write well under those circumstances.I work best when I discuss with my husband and a few trusted friends, the different thought processes I have in relation to the stories I am writing. When I keep everything bottled up then the flow of ideas tends to get stuck. Not so much dry up but I end up overthinking and over reaching. So now Jason is getting back to our daily reviews of what I am working on and I am able to better guage where I am in the story. And it makes me quite happy. Nothing makes me as happy as creating a (hopefully) good, compelling story.
Depression wise... The recent elections really kicked my ass. None of it was unexpected. I even had a Dairy Milk bar ready for the oncoming depression. It just didn't work. Seeing the country swing so far back to the right frankly scares me. Looking ahead towards the 2012 elections is damn near terrifying. I am trying my best to keep my head above water regarding politics but it is not easy.
Also, my daughter is turning 10. Sigh. Even though I knew when she turned 9 that she was halfway to 18 which is the age of "I'm leaving and never coming back" it didn't really hit me then. I cried a bit, but then I ususally do as the kid grows. But something about turning 10 feels different. She is on the verge of rounding the corner from childhood to adolesence. This is evident from her ample additude and my increasing stupidity (in her eyes). We but heads more often. We fight more often. And with my depressive nature I am afraid that these will be the only moments she remembers from her childhood. I can only hope that I have added enough good in there to try to at least counterbalance the bad. But it is so sad to think that my little girl (and yes she will always be my little girl) is going to no longer be so little. So 10 is a bit hard for me. I'm tearing up a little just talking about it. I take a lot of comfort in the fact that in a lot of ways she is still a kid. She isn't pushing towards adulthood the way a lot of her classmates are. She still loves to play. At Octoberfest even though her friends kept begging her to come play with them she chose to stay with my husband and I, holding hands. But how much longer... ah well.
The approaching season is always difficult for me. Thanksgiving sucks ass for me. Years past I was told at the door of my family's thanksgiving celebration that I was not welcome. I spent that year crying at home on my own. Since then that always rings in my head whenever I go to Thanksgiving. Christmas isn't too bad but the New Years always kicks my ass. Not I-drank-too-much type of kicking my ass, but the what-the-fuck-have-I-done-with-my-life type of ass kicking.
On top of that I don't get to go to the AIS 4C party. :( No play dates for Lana.
So enough of that for now. I am surviving. There are even things that make me happy. To the outside observer you would not be able to tell that everything wasn't hunky dorey. It's the inside that has the creeping darkness that I am trying to keep at bay. So I spend time with the people I love (who are local), watch funny shows (Thank you Community and Modern Family), and have taken up coloring again. So onward I go.
***UPDATE TO THE UPDATE***
As I was sitting here a little teary my daughter came around the corner and made me laugh so hard I cried the good tears. I love my daughter!
2 comments:
Oh Mistress - why didn't you all just jump in the car and plan on spending Tday with The Husbands? Seriously, I think that's a 'family' tradition we could all get behind. :)
you know we may have to fold that into the plans for next year. Not only would it be fantastic to see you both, but I also think that it would be far better for my emotional state.
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