Happy Halloween!

I hope you had a devilishly good time! I layed low this Halloween. Don't let that confuse you. I still had a fan-fucking-tastic time. Emphasis on fucking. My daughter went off to kill someone (Murder Mystery) which left us flying solo. So after a delicious steak dinner we settled in for the last scary movie of the season and a whole lot of slap and tickle. I was a horney little devil.
:)

Sunday was Trick or Treat. Of course we live in the bible belt so T-o-T takes place on Sunday (presumably to offset the evil) from 2-4 pm. Right in the middle of the day. Ugh. But this year I used that to My costuming advantage. This year both Jason and I went as Vampires ala Twilight. That's right, we covered ourselves in enough glitter to make a stripper blush and looked as lame as possible. T
Unfortunately the glitter just doesn't come through in the pictures.
his amused Me. It also terrified 2 small children. Neither would get candy from Me. the first was about2 and she just scream "Shiny!" and ran the other way. The other was 4 and screamed "Vampire!" and ran. Both made Me happy. The teenage girls screeched too but in a delighted Oh-My-God-Why-Didn't-I-Think-Of-That kind of way.

All in all a great Halloween. I hope yours was spooktacular!

Mistress at the Movies Splice

I am not sure this is exactly a horror flick but I thought it was when I picked it up, so we will just go with it.

Splice is the story of genetic engineers run amuck. They go against the rules and splice together animal and human DNA. But then they go the extra step of implanting that DNA in an embryo and then bringing that embryo to term. And what do you think happens? It all goes very very wrong. I am sure the Republican Party will be using this as a reference when protesting the use of stem cells in the not too distant future.

This wasn’t too bad of a flick. Definitely not the greatest I have seen but far from the worst. The main problem with this movie was that it was a bit slow. And then once it gets going it jumps quickly to the realm of the extreme. That being said it was still fun to watch and there were some pretty cool shots. The creature that they create is interesting and uniquely creepy. I still hear the weird dolphin call noises she was making. And hey, if you have ever wanted to see Adrian Brody playing a punk influenced genetic biologist, well here you go.

Mistress at the Movies It

It’s October which means that it is scary movie month in Mistress Lana’s household. Unfortunately there aren’t that many scary movies out at the moment. A few stragglers from last year plus a few new releases, but no where near a month’s worth. So I decided that we need to dive into the old school horror. I missed a lot of these films owing to My mother’s belief that “those kind of films don’t need to be in your consciousness.” Apparently were I to have seen Nightmare on Elm Street my consciousness would have manifested a real Freddy who would have killed Me. And Me explaining that that was the plot of that movie did not strengthen My case. Consequently I have missed out on a lot of the classic horror flicks. I am working to remedy that.

Jason was a big fan of the Stephen King flicks so he was excited to start the month out with It, which terrified him as a kid. I was eager to see what all the hub bub was about.

I was disappointed.

I will start this out by saying to everyone who is shocked and grasping their chests in utter disbelief, that I am sure that if you saw it when it first came out or when you were younger it probably scared the shit out of you. Creepy clown killing kids. That is good source material. I am a fan of Tim Curry in all circumstances. I saw several familiar faces that I haven’t seen in a while. John Ritter, Jonathan Brandis (I used to have a poster of him on My wall), a very young Seth Green. However after the initial flush of recognition I settled into a deep disappointment with the movie.

This movie just seemed too dated for Me. Every bit of the costuming, hair, makeup, set design and camera style were time specific. Fortunately we have learned from our collective early 90’s mistakes and have run fleeing from the huge hair and poofy sleeves. But this movie was a time capsule to the point of being distracting. In this way the movie was simply of victim of being made when it was. It does not translate to a 30 year old woman living in 2010. The acting seemed over the top. The camera work seemed sloppy. It just did not float My boat.

I was disappointed.

Mistress at the Movies Dead Girl

So Horror movie month rolls on with Dead Girl, a movie that poses the important questions: 1. “What would you do if you found a somewhat hot, somewhat docile, zombie chained to a bed in an abandoned mental hospital?” 2.“What to do when you find out that your best friend isn’t just a ‘bit dark’ but is in fact a full fledged psychopath who uses a zombie as a sex slave?” and number 3“Can you have a main character who is the actual definition of the term ‘Emo’?”

For Me the answers are: 1.Shoot it in the head. 2. Shoot him in the head. And 3. Yes, but why on earth would you want to?

I will give it this, as someone who spends a lot of time in the “zombie apocalypse” mindscape I feel I have some authority to say that the team responsible for this definitely found a unique perspective to offer up to the zombie universe. And it wasn’t even that bad of a horror flick. More of a mind fuck than actual horror. The camera work was good. And even the inane premise posed questions. But in the end I guess I have been trained too much in regards to finding a zombie. You kill it. That is how My training goes. End of story. Zombie equals the possibility for more zombies. Therefore you put it down. Head shots only (no need to waste ammunition) and always double tap. In no circumstances do you keep a zombie as a sex slave. Call Me old fashioned but I certainly wouldn’t be interested in a zomb-gina no matter how readily available it was. There are plenty of real live people who are more than happy to fill that roll should I find Myself in need of a sex slave. Most would probably even let Me lock them away in an abandoned mental hospital. Well maybe not, but defiantly for the scene.

This definitely wasn’t the worst movie I have seen. I was fairly intrigued the whole way through, and hey, if you ever wanted to see Robert Patinson’s younger brother give his brand of lameness to a zombie flick this might just be the movie for you.

Mistress at the Movies Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

When My husband and I were discussing our picks for Horror Movie Month We decided to give a few of the older gals a whirl. In that spirit I told Netflix to bring Me Nightmare on Elm Street (original). Netflix told Me ‘Sure, but you will have to wait.’ Never one for anything other than immediate gratification I ran down to the Family Video. No luck. Old School Nightmare was long since stolen. However I did find the remake on the new release shelf. Why not?

I could not stand this movie.

I am an overall fan of Freddy in all his incarnations. I am more of Jason girl but I respect Freddy. I am far too big a fan of mind tricks not to give Freddy his props. And for My money Freddy’s theme song is timeless. But this was not Freddy.

Robert Englund did not dawn the striped sweater once more. Instead Jackie Earle Haley stood in. First problem, he is not imposing enough of a figure. Robert had some height to him. Jackie Earle Haley does not. Then there was the fact that Jackie Earle Haley ’s portrayal of Freddy sounded a LOT like Rorschach to the point of being distracting. There was no new story here. Just a rehashing of the old material. There were many CGIed scenes that looked ridiculously out of place. There was no suspense of any kind. One of My favorite parts of a Freddy movie is that obligatory scene where the lead has gotten away and is hiding from Freddy (like that would work). Does Freddy bolt after them? No. He follows behind slowly running his glove along metal making that wonderfully spine tingling metal on metal screech. This incarnation could not even deliver that. Instead of having the simple sound which is terrifying enough on its own, the director opted to have Freddy’s glove sparking against the metal. Ugh.

A big disappointment, sadly.

Mistress at the Movies Mum and Dad

Having gone through most of the list of movies we wanted to see I decided to give a couple of horror flicks I had never heard of a whirl. A few… Not so much. But a couple were well worth the trouble.

One of them was Mum and Dad.

Chances are you have never heard of this flick either so let Me give you the run down.
Our lead starts work at Heathrow Airport where she meets another cleaner. After work the other girl and her brother take our lead home with them (as she missed her bus). And then all hell breaks loose. I want to tell you more but then again I don’t want to ruin it for you should you decide to check it out. Suffice it to say that this is a movie where Stockholm syndrome is the goal.

Now it isn’t a psychological drama though there are quite a few psychological aspects to it. This is a gory, gross drama with overtones of more.

I really enjoyed it. And I am not usually one for gory. I stopped watching the Saw franchise after the second. This was better by far that Saw 2. I would say almost on a level with the first Saw. I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Mistress at the Movies Paranormal Activity 2

Hey kids! It's October! Which means it is time for Horror Movies!!!!

Whaaat? A new release? Yes, that is how much I enjoyed Paranormal Activity 1. So when I saw there was a sequel I decided to pony up the dough and go check it out. Tis the season.

Going into the movie I have to say that I was apprehensive. As someone who enjoyed Blair Witch (And isn’t afraid to say it) I remember how gut wrenching it was to go see Blair Witch 2. It was just terrible. I was afraid this might be a similar situation. I am happy to report that it was not.

For those of you who didn’t see Paranormal Activity here’s the skinny. Couple are having weird things happen at night so boyfriend decides to set up a camera and record. The movie is presented as that footage. Paranormal Activity 2 is the same concept only with slight twists. This time it’s a family who is welcoming home a beautiful baby boy. The elder daughter films a lot of this excitement with a handheld camera which is the only viewpoint up until they come home to find that someone had trashed their house. So they invest in a security system that includes a but load of cameras.

What I like about this type of movies is that they feel so raw. If you can suspend your disbelief for a couple of hours and just watch the movie as if it were true, it really can scare the bejesus out of you. For really real yo. There was one scene that caused the entire theater to jump about 3 inches out of their seats. And in the end that is what I am looking for in My Halloween movies. I want to be entertained and a bit scared. This movie delivered on both those counts.